Sunday, February 15, 2009

It is what it is.

Lately I've been thinking alot about home, my previous life abroad, my whole perception of living, and the life that I had created for myself. All of my preparations for life don't serve me here in Mexico. All my perceptions of how life should be lived have been proved wrong. The life that I had created for myself, was my solution to finding happiness. Or wasn't it?
I created my life to be what I thought was the way it was supposed to be. Lots of "friends", a nice house, an income, lots of extras, nice cars, popularity. And it was. I thought everything was perfect. My hubby's career was great, mine was just beginning. We had perfect kids, perfect house, perfect life.My hubby was successful. He was well liked whereever we went, but it seemed like a fight for his attention. I felt like I had to compete with everyone else in the room. My kids had more of a relationship with their grandparents than me. When everything fell apart almost two years ago, things started to unravel slowly. I didn't notice it at first, but overtime they began to surface. "Friends" stopped coming around, those that we helped quite a bit didn't come around because we could no longer help them, couldn't afford the extras, eventually the cars, and what was around me started to crash. The ones that I thought were closest to me, waited until I was out of the COUNTRY to let their feelings come out of the closet. In reality, how perfect was my life actually? Only what I perceived it to be.
Every morning, I wake up a little pessimistic, knowing that today will be another challenge: To survive, adjust, succeed, adapt, help, learn, and to accept what I cannot change. Here in Mexico, the graffitti, the crime, the ethics, the pay, the corruption, the third world livestyle, the loneliness, and the customs are not exactly what I had hoped my life would include. I always thought that my life would be different. Well, I guess now it is.
This morning in the shower, I was day-dreaming....random thoughts. Here, now. What am I doing? I'm not doing what I thought I would be. Back home, I did hair and I loved it. I quilted. I liked that too. for a while. I painted, but never really put any effort into it. But I always felt like something was missing. Now, I am learning to tattoo and pierce. I'm painting and drawing alot better, which can be frustrating at times, but I'm satisfied with the results. I OWN something now. Hehe, it might be a little Sex Shop, but I'll make it bigger and better. I have an employee. who knew?! More importantly, I have a better relationship with my kids. My hubby and I are now a team. I don't have to fight for attention. I don't feel second best. We have casual friends here in Mexico... but my hubby became my best friend all over again and I fell in love all over again.
Maybe this is a good move. It will strengthen my family, my relationship, my personal strength. We get to start again without the previous errors haunting us. We get to create the picture from the very beginning. Regardless of the trials and adjustments, maybe this is where we are supposed to be. If not, until destiny reveals itself, maybe Mexico isn't all that bad.


Arcy said...

YAY! I can leave a comment :) I found your blog while researching my move and am glad to finally be able to leave a comment, hopefully you can help with some of my concerns? Anyhow, I can totally relate to somehow being where you are supposed to be in life! For a long time I have had this feeling like something is pushing me to move to Mexico, hence our decision to finally make the move. Sorry this got so long :)

Amanda said...

You inspired me with this blog to post one of my most recent posts. We also had many friends while my husband was in the States, but after he left and during the 2 years I was alone with our daughter there our friends also dwindled as I was rarely able to give as much as we use to. I do want to say, it is weird how some people choose to wait to share their true feelings until your gone. I have or had a friend who I thought was one of my greatest supporters. She would come to my house to hang out because I didn’t like to keep my daughter out late. When it came near time for me to leave I did notice she didn’t come around as much but when she did she never mentioned any ill feelings to me. I figured it was her way of detaching from me and my daughter before we left. But about 5 months after being here she sent me a pretty hatefull e-mail about how she felt I used her and that our friendship was all her giving and me taking. I was shocked. I have twice now tried to remedy this situation but being here theres not a lot I can do. So I can see where your coming from with that.

About Me

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I've been living in Mexico now for about a two years with my hubby and 2 kids. Not exactly by choice, but we're here nonetheless. Luckily, I live with quite a few of the accomodations that i was used to in the states. In spite of those convienences, we also have a water tank with asbestos, outdated electricity, massive amounts of dust, caterpillars that burn your skin, and thousands of windshield washers on every street corner. My kiddos and I are learning to speak spanish and adjust to life away from our family and friends in the States.


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