(not my photo, but it does the job)
One big f'in contradiction. Not quite sure where this is coming from.... Maybe the possible offessive Anonymous blogger comment, or feeling lonely here in Guadalajara, but I feel the need to clarify and declare who I am and what I want. I'm heavily tattooed. I'm pierced. I have lived my life outside the norm. I have chosen to raise my family outside the "American Dream". I come from a conservative, law abiding, middle class family, law student who decided to marry a ex-felon and eventually follow him to Mexico. I chose to raise my children in a third world county. I then chose to throw my children under the gun and force them to learn another language, another culture, another way of life.
I am a horrible mother.
And with tears in my eyes, I feel the need to justify myself. Maybe this is coming from my hubby confessing a recent depression, and soon after, my daughter. Fuck. What am I supposed to do? Go home? Neither want me to do that. I feel awful. Maybe it's adolesence. Maybe he need a drink. Maybe I'm lonely.
People here are different. We don't think the same..... But wait!!! There's hope!!! I met another gal from the States, a client of mine, who after, decided to take me out for drinks. :) We went to a fabulous bar, and after a bottle of wine, haha.....it was like I'd known her forever. But alas, she's given up on Mexico and heading back to the States with a broken heart at the end of the month. Too bad we hadn't met sooner. On a positive note, it reassures me that after 20 months of living here, and finding two gals that are pretty cool, there has to be more, right? Patience is a virtue.
And sometimes..... I don't have it.
I feel different from alot of people here. I know that when you move, especially to another country, it changes you and you SHOULD change with your surroundings... but in reality, I feel that my only "friends" are on blogger/facebook. (Facebook is such a curse!!!) Women, that in some strange circumstance, are supportive and can relate to our current situation...or in general, expats, finding a new life in a foreign country. (And I'm gonna get even more pitiful here....) but even so, at the same time, I feel like an outsider.