Sunday, January 31, 2010

Moving Forward.

Sometimes I forget exactly what this blog is supposed to be.... a personal, emotional release? an expat blog? a social network? or maybe just a self-gratifying, 'haha' look at me type of blog?

Well, today it's gonna be all of the above.

Alot of things have been bugging me lately, and instead of finding the time to blog and vent about it, it's all been building up inside.  Occasionally, emotions build and I might have an emotional outburst... not directed at anyone in particular, although my dear hubby usually takes the fall. This time, as the dominoes began to fall, and I scrambled to realign them.... a friend stepped in, made a few wise suggestions.... and I let the dominoes fall.

what will be will be.

A friend of ours (from back home)  and his brother have a similar situation with INS as my husband. They've been deported, come back, do prison time, and get deported again. Hubby called his brother the other day, and let's call him Juan, happened to be there. They hadn't talked in about 2 years, since hubby got deported and Juan was already deported in TJ. Hubby had offered for him to join him in GDL for a bit, until they both got back on track. Juan declined and after another close call with INS, managed to make it across. Hubby didn't even have a chance to say what's up, before Juan began with, I'm scared, dog."  He had made the choice, like many deported immigrants do, to return to what they consider their home. Juan began to tell hubby how scared he is, every day when he wakes up, goes out, or goes to bed. His brother, the same. Why put yourself through that fear? I'm sure, if we really tried hard enough, we could make it back... and make it work. But, what if? You will go away for a really long time, and is it worth it? What is really there in the States that you can't find here in Mexico? (bad example, but you get the point.) If hubby decided to go back  now, I'd be angry. His selfishness would override the need for his children to have a father in their lives. By taking that chance, he would limit himself and his kids on future experiences together. At least here in Mexico, they have their father. All the time. With no fear of being picked up, harrassed, and deported without any guarantees.  I feel bad for Juan and his brother. I remember the fear that I know plagued my husband, even if he didn't show it. I remember that weight and the day it was lifted when I picked him up in TJ.

That fear has never returned.

My son is now six and oh-so inquisitive. The other day, he asked daddy, "How come you went to prison?" What??? "I didn't go to prison baby." "Yes you did. When they took you from us. I visited you in the window." "That wasn't prison (it was immigration @ county jail.)." We had told Little One, who was 3 at the time, that Daddy went to tattoo school and he was behind the glass because he had ink all over him and they don't want to get us dirty. I know, kinda dumb... but it worked. "I was in tattoo school."  "Yeah, whatever... why did they take you?  Daddy had to explain how he hurt someone a long time ago and the consequences for your actions will follow you a lifetime... which is WHY we don't hurt people and think of others.... because everything he had done, affected his kids as well.

Everything happens for a reason and while hubby's past and immigration ordeal sucked, we're here in Mexico and we're here together. I keep saying over and over, that since we've moved to Mexico, while it was the hardest decision and toughest battle, we've grown closer as a family. And I think we only got to that conclusion, by letting what happened....  just be. For the first year or so, I was really angry... in denial... I still might be sometimes... not accepting that this is where I will spend the rest of my life with my husband. Most days, I don't even think about it and try to make the most out of whatever the day brings me. I think we've done pretty good so far. One door closes and before you know it, another opens....

Assuming you have the key.

Hubby had a guy "working"  for us at the shop, that, well, really wasn't on the same page as the rest of us. We brought "Sonoma" on, not so much because of his portfolio, but because we hadn't found anyone with the same work ethic that we have, here in Mexico. AND FINALLY. Someone from the States.... someone like us!!!  We blew off all the warning signs and took him on. Gradually, he began to wear on my nerves. Hubby appeared to be oblivious, but knew deep down what was going on... and recently, we had a blowout. Truth was untold... and low and behold, after nearly a year and no improvement, when he was asked to take some responsibility, Sonoma no longer works for us. Shit. Great for me... sucky to do the apprentice work. We were down and out. Who could we take on? We've got a full plate this year, expos and what not... and need to keep the shop open. Can't find nor trust anyone local in this industry. Well, we're just gonna have to make it work. Right when the door is gonna hit you in the ass, another opportunity arose. Same day, in walks in Tattoo Artist from Mexico City.. chill guy, family, kickass portfolio, amazing painter... just moved to GDL. He was interested in hopefully doing a guest spot with hubby. The key appeared. "Santo" is going to travel and tie off some ends and would be honored to join us in March

I think we can hold the fort down until then.

"Santo" would be an amazing addition to our shop. Right now, I'm still learning, and while I can hold my own on nautical stars and what not, I still lack the talent of my hubby..... and Sonoma wasn't any better. We need another strong artist, one who is reliable, relaxed and  has the desire to succeed and improve his art. Hopefully, things will work out with Santo and our shop will continue to grow. 2010 will be an amazing year, and hopefully with the choices that we've made, new doors will continue to open.
And for the tee-hee-look-at-me segment of my blog, I haven't posted any of my tattoos in awhile, so I hope you like.  Client came in with a crappy koi and we made it beautiful!


Leah Flinn said...

Best of luck to you with everything! It will be one year tomorrow that I have lived in Mexico and I understand the frustrations, yet things do somehow always work themselves out.

Mama of 4 said...

Thank you for this post, It was exactly what I needed right now ;)

El Random Hero said...

IN a way I totally feel where you're coming from. To know that everything will change because of one decision you make. I've learned, like you that you gotta do what you fell is right and go with it. No looking back, no if and or buts or anything like that. Make your choice and stand behind it. If you mess up, then you learned something. God knows I have. Your the glue of your family and without you they would fall apart. I know you can keep it together no matter how hard it gets. This I know. :)

Vadose said...

nice improvement on the koi!
Yeah, my hubs just unloaded the "so I'm thinking of going back" brick on me Saturday. Thanks for the perspective. You might blog to vent, but it's interesting to me. It's great to get another perspective sometimes, esp from someone in a similar situation. Keep it coming.

Amanda said...

Well as you know from our visit we agree 100(dang it wheres the percent sign on the spanish key board) about not living in fear in the States. Not only for the kids but for us to, life in Mexico is so doable and I find that more and more each day. And yes you did a great job on that tattoo I need to send you an e-mail soon about our plans.

Lauren said...

Whatever reason you do your blog is... I love it, so keep on writing and ranting!!!

Gringa-n-Mexico said...

Girl that fishi is WAY more bad ass and BEAUTIFUL then just the plain ole nautical stars you give yourself credit for!

And? I miss my family so much living down here but it IS such a gigantic releif not living in fear EVER SINGLE DAY like we used to. Being illegal is just too damn hard on the nerves to make it worth while for a lifetime. It feels good to see someone else feel the same stuff though.

About Me

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I've been living in Mexico now for about a two years with my hubby and 2 kids. Not exactly by choice, but we're here nonetheless. Luckily, I live with quite a few of the accomodations that i was used to in the states. In spite of those convienences, we also have a water tank with asbestos, outdated electricity, massive amounts of dust, caterpillars that burn your skin, and thousands of windshield washers on every street corner. My kiddos and I are learning to speak spanish and adjust to life away from our family and friends in the States.


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