I need help.
I've hit one of those walls... I can't move forward and I can't go back.
Husband and I are at each others' throats. Everything I say pisses him off and everything he does, irritates the living crap out of me. I don't understand how we got to this point. We've been happy, content with our differences, for 6 years... and now, it seems everything has changed. Do I love him? yes. Am I happy? Well, I'm not so sure.
I'm gonna recollect a bit. Maybe I'll figure this out on my own. When I met him, I was a single mom, full time student, and working full time... very independant. When hubby and I met, we just clicked. All the pieces fit and we moved forward. We got pregnant with Little One early in our relationship and hubby gave me the opportunity to be a stay @ home mom. I would have the chance to spend the quality time with my kids, an experience I never was able to have with my older one, Moosecake. It was a fantastic experience... my son is five and still attached to my womb....but I couldn't sit still for long. My mother(retired) and I started a quilting business. Hubby agreed and financed $20k for my share of the project. It soon took over our lives. Hubby became more and more successful in his business and I got a little antsy in mine. I decided to stop going to the university and instead keep the time with my kiddos and go to cosmotology school. I quit working again, and dedicated my time to school and kiddos. About 3/4 of the way through, our lives crashed. Hubby was arrested and was being deported.
While that was a battle in itelf, I completely shut myself down. I had to finish and start working. I couldn't make our mortgage, two car payments, and daycare working two days a week. So, while my hubby sat in jail, fighting for a good 6 months, I spent 48 hours a week in school, fighting his case and busting butt working. My mom was great. She took my routine over. The kids stayed with her and kept school consistant... providing that stability that our household now lacked. I stayed with her on the weekends. After school was done and I passed state board, I went into business on my own. I never slept... working from 9am to 8pm then driving an hour to my mom's to see my kids and work in the quilting bus. til 2 am. Everyday... while still visiting hubby 2x a week, writing him, and fighting for him. After he was deported, we visited him in Mexico once every other month... for 6 months. That year flew by. I shut everyone out, but a few, made pretty good money and kept our house and our lives. I was really proud of myself.
Now fast forward.... I live in Mexico... in a tiny house that is constantly filthy, lugging two bored, unable to communicate kids around, away from everything that I know and love.... and I'm bored too. Hubby noticed. i needed something. We bought the "Sex SHop" next door. It's my little "project." It keeps me busy. But I'm a busy little dreamer that has no patience and a difficult time with the language.... so hubby is constantly helping me with my phone calls and ordering. We have an employee, which helps... but little money to do much else. Poco a poco.
So now what? All we do is fight. There's no communication. I feel like this last year, I was set free to take care of my family... after being domesticated for so long... and now, I sit back in my cage, waiting for my time to shine. Everyday is routine... long days at the shop, complaining kids. I'm bored. I'm lonely. I want a friend and my damn blog is my therapy.
You know what I've thought of? the horrible little wife that I am.... seriously. I don't want him to go away.... but I do... simultaneously. Go back a year. When I was hella independant and had my own life back... and he needed ME!!! I could take care of myself and my kids. I don't want to date anyone else. I don't feel the need to. I love him dearly. I would want to back and start all over. Start dating all over again... when life was fun and interesting... and we laughed... alot.
Expats.... is this situation familiar?
Or am I alone on this?
- Refried Dreamer
- I've been living in Mexico now for about a two years with my hubby and 2 kids. Not exactly by choice, but we're here nonetheless. Luckily, I live with quite a few of the accomodations that i was used to in the states. In spite of those convienences, we also have a water tank with asbestos, outdated electricity, massive amounts of dust, caterpillars that burn your skin, and thousands of windshield washers on every street corner. My kiddos and I are learning to speak spanish and adjust to life away from our family and friends in the States.