Friday, April 17, 2009

I'm trapped.

I need help.

I've hit one of those walls... I can't move forward and I can't go back.

Husband and I are at each others' throats. Everything I say pisses him off and everything he does, irritates the living crap out of me. I don't understand how we got to this point. We've been happy, content with our differences, for 6 years... and now, it seems everything has changed. Do I love him? yes. Am I happy? Well, I'm not so sure.

I'm gonna recollect a bit. Maybe I'll figure this out on my own. When I met him, I was a single mom, full time student, and working full time... very independant. When hubby and I met, we just clicked. All the pieces fit and we moved forward. We got pregnant with Little One early in our relationship and hubby gave me the opportunity to be a stay @ home mom. I would have the chance to spend the quality time with my kids, an experience I never was able to have with my older one, Moosecake. It was a fantastic experience... my son is five and still attached to my womb....but I couldn't sit still for long. My mother(retired) and I started a quilting business. Hubby agreed and financed $20k for my share of the project. It soon took over our lives. Hubby became more and more successful in his business and I got a little antsy in mine. I decided to stop going to the university and instead keep the time with my kiddos and go to cosmotology school. I quit working again, and dedicated my time to school and kiddos. About 3/4 of the way through, our lives crashed. Hubby was arrested and was being deported.
While that was a battle in itelf, I completely shut myself down. I had to finish and start working. I couldn't make our mortgage, two car payments, and daycare working two days a week. So, while my hubby sat in jail, fighting for a good 6 months, I spent 48 hours a week in school, fighting his case and busting butt working. My mom was great. She took my routine over. The kids stayed with her and kept school consistant... providing that stability that our household now lacked. I stayed with her on the weekends. After school was done and I passed state board, I went into business on my own. I never slept... working from 9am to 8pm then driving an hour to my mom's to see my kids and work in the quilting bus. til 2 am. Everyday... while still visiting hubby 2x a week, writing him, and fighting for him. After he was deported, we visited him in Mexico once every other month... for 6 months. That year flew by. I shut everyone out, but a few, made pretty good money and kept our house and our lives. I was really proud of myself.
Now fast forward.... I live in Mexico... in a tiny house that is constantly filthy, lugging two bored, unable to communicate kids around, away from everything that I know and love.... and I'm bored too. Hubby noticed. i needed something. We bought the "Sex SHop" next door. It's my little "project." It keeps me busy. But I'm a busy little dreamer that has no patience and a difficult time with the language.... so hubby is constantly helping me with my phone calls and ordering. We have an employee, which helps... but little money to do much else. Poco a poco.
So now what? All we do is fight. There's no communication. I feel like this last year, I was set free to take care of my family... after being domesticated for so long... and now, I sit back in my cage, waiting for my time to shine. Everyday is routine... long days at the shop, complaining kids. I'm bored. I'm lonely. I want a friend and my damn blog is my therapy.
You know what I've thought of? the horrible little wife that I am.... seriously. I don't want him to go away.... but I do... simultaneously. Go back a year. When I was hella independant and had my own life back... and he needed ME!!! I could take care of myself and my kids. I don't want to date anyone else. I don't feel the need to. I love him dearly. I would want to back and start all over. Start dating all over again... when life was fun and interesting... and we laughed... alot.

Expats.... is this situation familiar?

Or am I alone on this?

8 comments:

PuertoVallartaGirl said...

Let me see, we met in 1998... had a few rocky hot passionate years and then married in 2001. Everything was basically great till we moved to Mexico. Just I was bored as a stay at home mom in Portland but he was really happy. Then I said let's move to Mexico... so we did. But everything fell apart, I guess.... during the drive down. Then it just got worse and worse and worse and worse. Until it got better. But I was there... where you are... and now... I am back in the US with the Kids... and before I came back, my guy... he got more mature.. and grew, got intouch with his feelings and became real with me. That was after a depression and many failures.. But we are stronger I think. And let's face it... everything is just harder in Mexico. life, food, survival. Especially for us Americanas.. who everyone thinks (in mexico) we are just rich and have everything handed to us. But when you live in Mexico you are almost worse off than the Mexicans ..?
What do you think?
I still don't have internet but I am available to talk if you want to email me. offer still stands. puertovallartagirl@gmail.com

Mama of 4 said...

I cant say I know exactly how you feel, but I def. do understand. I wish I could be there already so we can chat about life, kids, hubby and all that other stuff married women talk about. I wish I would have had some time to visit you when I was in Guad. we were just so busy taking care of some legal stuff, but Im sure I passed by your shop when we went to the centro to buy my girls some first communion dresses, we were stopped in traffic close to what looked like a bridge and I turn to the right and see a tatoo shop with a shop next door that had a hot pink poster that said "sex shop", I thought this has to be it? I wanted to stop by afterwards but after several hours in the hot sun with all the kids we couldnt be downtown any longer.I know what its like to be independent, are you working on obtaining an FM2 or 3? I know you can use one of those to work? There are lots of jobs in Guad. that require English and if you dont compare the pay to dollars its not too bad? Im going to try to get down there again in the next couple months and if you are still there I will make sure to stop and visit. Email me and we can chat arcy702@yahoo.com

Amanda said...

You and I have been here the same amount of time I do believe. I can tell you that the loss of independance hit me a lot sooner. I went through the same (I swear exact feelings you described) like 4 months after being here. And because of it and because my hubby wasnt use to dealing with me in his life again we fought all the time then also. With a lot of work and pushing myself into uncomfortable situations where I have to speak Spanish to non English speakers I have gotten a lot better with my Spanish. We are still barely meeting our budget but most of my family in the states are just as tight on money so I chalk that one up. Although aside from the issues with the language bariers I feel like a lot of couples even in the states go through these issues in their marriage. As long as you are both determined to stick it out with each other this time will pass. All things pass in time. Kind of like what Heather was saying you need to be completely open with your hubby and him with you about what you are feeling, and then think about it. And hey using your blog as therapy isnt a bad idea when you have no one else around to talk to. :) And I deff know how that feels.

Suzanne Marie Bandick said...

Thanks for sharing. You know we foreigners all have our challenges with living in Mexico - but perhaps we would have challenges anywhere - they would just be different. I'll share what works for me everytime.... Change your focus. Look, look, look for the positive in your life right now. List everything you can think of that is good and keep that in your mind. Everytime you think a negaqtive thought replace it with something positive about that very situation. I find when I change my focus everything looks brighter and everything seems to change around me for the better. Hope that helps. Let me know.

Refried Dreamer said...

PVG: I sent you a message. I feel that in a certain sense we did get closer... but argh! I don't know what to do! Mexico is def. harder, financially, emotionally, spiritually... everything. How long did you live here for?

Mamaof4:Next time for sure! haha.. i'm just glad you found the place and made it out of San juan de dios in one piece! It's hard going there when you're bringing kids!

Amanda: I think we did get here about the same time. Yeah, the money thing is tough here...and the spanish... I can get by. I think it is the whole communication thing. I feel frustrated and I know he is too.... we both have the same goals... I'm just a little more impatient, I guess. How are you and your man getting through this?

Refried Dreamer said...

Suzanne: I think that might be a major problem. I look at everything that is going wrong. Maybe looking at what opportunities are there, instead of the sacrifices, would help us. I'll try that! thanks.

Amanda said...

Well I have to agree on a large part with Suzanne. Making myself find what I'm thankful for helped me through a lot in the past and still does. I can remember being so upset and when Id put my daughter to bed she would want me to sing the song "count your blessings" and I would just laugh knowing she helped to bring me back to life. When your happier your hubby will be to.
As far as making the marriage work I do know there's no secret except determination to stick it out.
Some of the things we try to do on a regular basis though is to talk to each other about how were doing and feeling. This was hard for my husband at first hes not one to talk about his feelings. But he quickly saw the benefits and is so much better about it now and sometimes brings it up himself. Then we take time to think on each others words before we talk about it. This part was hard for me I'm quick to speak. But I'm getting better about it. Also finding time to relax together is sooooooo important and with kids and jobs I'm sure you all have a hard time with this as we do. But it has to be done. Your marriage comes first then the kids otherwise the marriage wont be there for them, and they need it. We also make a habit of telling each other that we are thankful for what the other one does. Like when he has to work late instead of getting mad now I tell him thanks for working so hard to bring food to our table. And he thanks me for taking care of the kids ext. Its the little thank you's that get you through the days sometimes. And most importantly we try to pray together. This happens less than it should but always pulls us through. None of these are things that will help over night or that you can make habit over night but it all helps. And some day when were having a hard time I may need you to remind me of them. lol ;)

Sunshine said...

I'm in such a fuzzy state these days, i cant even blog...uhggg how does that happen? Any how...yes i know how you feel...stay as positive as you can...if something gets you in a funk...first thing to think is...ok what is positive about this...or how can i make this a positive event...and it helps lift your mood instantly...i'm still working on this..but i'm getting better everyday.
I'm headed back to MX in a few days...I gotta start blogging again...i've got alot to catch up on.
Big hugs mama...you are not alone.
A

About Me

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I've been living in Mexico now for about a two years with my hubby and 2 kids. Not exactly by choice, but we're here nonetheless. Luckily, I live with quite a few of the accomodations that i was used to in the states. In spite of those convienences, we also have a water tank with asbestos, outdated electricity, massive amounts of dust, caterpillars that burn your skin, and thousands of windshield washers on every street corner. My kiddos and I are learning to speak spanish and adjust to life away from our family and friends in the States.

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